Off Guard
by Gindokei
Summary: Edward's point of view on what went on in his head during the night after her takes Bella to the meadow for the first time. Based off 'Hero/Heroine' by Boys Like Girls. ExB


_Off Guard_

**AN: All right, so this is based off 'Hero/Heroine' by Boys Like Girls (I couldn't resist!) It takes places during the night after Edward shows Bella the meadow for the first time. It's Edward's point of view.**

**EDITED ON 9TH APRIL, 2009! I removed the song lyrics!  
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**Disclaimer: I don't own anything.**

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**I looked down at her as her breathing evened out and deepened, informing me that she was soundly asleep. Her pulse was sluggish in her veins, and her heart beat more slowly. Her skin, however, remained as warm as ever, and the feeling of it pressed against my own cold skin was indescribable. What I had told her was true – it wasn't all that hard for me to resist the temptation, now that I had made up my mind. Still, one corner of my mind thought idly about how easy it would be to slit her throat…

No. Never. Firstly, I could never let Carlisle and Esme down like that. And secondly… I felt so bestial even thinking about the foul deed. I could never hurt her. I could fight, would fight, the irresistible scent coming off her skin. I would fight the intense temptation that caused a physical ache in my chest. I lifted a hand off her, placing it on the source of the ache, silently wondering.

It was right where my heart had been.

I moved my hands so that they were no longer wrapped around her waist, but instead cupping her face. I gazed at her pale and serious face, a small frown of consternation creasing a vertical line between her straight eyebrows. I lightly grazed two fingers over it, and she released a soft sigh, the frown disappearing as her forehead became smooth again. Her long lashes cast a shadow in the hollow beneath her eyes, and I continued to watch her, fascinated. She shifted minutely, and made a small sound from the back of her throat. I stroked her hair gently, wanting to reassure her, to tell her that I was still with her. I had to fight the urge to lean down and kiss her somewhere, anywhere – but I didn't want to wake her. She deserved as much sleep as she could get, and so instead, I hummed her lullaby again.

Her eyeballs flickered beneath her eyelids, and I frowned slightly. Why was she suddenly so restless? Then her mouth opened partially, and I heard a murmur slip out.

"So beautiful… like diamond…"

I laughed softly and drew my hands away from her face, not wanting to chill her. I slipped them around her waist again, cradling her to me.

"Edward…" This was nothing new; she said my name at least three times every night. So why did I suddenly feel nervous? "Edward… I love you," she murmured, snuggling further into my side. I was absolutely still, feeling staggered.

The moment had passed, and now she was saying something about Charlie. I detected the words 'baseball' and 'useless', and couldn't help laughing again. However, I might have been too loud, as I soon heard Charlie stirring in his own bedroom. I tensed, not wanting him to check on Bella, because I would have to leave – and nothing seemed so terrible at that moment than leaving my Bella. Fortunately, he settled down after a while and soon fell asleep again. I returned my concentration to Bella. She was frowning again and murmuring about lasagna. Not for the first time, I wished I could read her mind, like I could read everyone else's. She was such a mystery to me. For ninety years, I had lived among humans but at the same time apart from them. I had always thought that I had everything figured out; that I knew all there was to know about humankind. And then, she came out of nowhere and proved me wrong on nearly everything. It was a hefty blow to my ego, to say the least.

But it seemed to make her smug, that she was the only exception to my powers. And if she was happy, I was happy. I ran a finger down her nose, relishing the heat that came off her skin and briefly warmed me. Around her, I felt so human – yet I could be inhuman as well, and she wasn't startled. For instance, in the meadow… well, I had expected her to run away, screaming, when I was so close to her. And instead, she did the opposite; she came closer, and it threw everything I knew off balance, and caught me completely off guard. It took tremendous control for me to not lunge forward then, but… well, even now, I could barely think of the alternative without cringing.

Her mutterings had died down, and I presumed that she was done for the night. Her talking usually came later… well, nonetheless, it would give me a chance to escape for a while and just think. Very cautiously, I withdrew my arms and slipped off the bed, careful not to wake her. She sighed once, but didn't seem too perturbed. I lifted the window open and sprang to the ground lightly, taking off immediately and running towards home. It did me good to be alone, with the wind rushing through my hair and caressing my face. I contemplated never stopping, just running on and on, forever free. But I dismissed the thought instantly – I couldn't leave Bella. She would be heartbroken, and even if I wasn't there, with her, I was sure I would feel her pain as acutely as my own. We were tied in ways I couldn't fully comprehend.

As I approached home, I slowed down considerably, wanting a little more time to myself before Alice pounced on me. I would tell her the basics – not that she needed to know, really – and change into a new set of clothes before I went back. I strolled along the overgrown path, feeling the moonlight cool on my skin.

Fortunately, Alice didn't ask much – just if I was going back, to which I replied in the affirmative – before returning to her room, where Jasper was waiting. I tuned out their thoughts immediately, letting them fade into the buzzing hum. I lingered by the south wall of my bedroom, gazing out at the moonlit river as it wound its lazy way through the reeds. I quickly changed and managed to tug a brush through my hair before I lost patience and headed out the door. Instead of running, I walked back, still lost in my own thoughts. It was so peaceful to be alone – the hum had faded from my mind, and I didn't need to worry about catching someone's thoughts by accident. I hated invading people's minds, because I knew how I would feel concerning such an invasion of privacy. So for the most part, I let the voices blend in with the buzz, and didn't concentrate on one alone.

All too quickly, I had reached my destination; but instead of feeling disappointed, I felt ridiculously eager as I entered her window again, settling down in the rocking chair. I felt almost afraid to touch her again – could such intense feelings be real?

I lightly crossed the room, pulling the coverlet onto her and tucking it around the edges of her body. For a moment I felt foolish, like an overly doting mother. But then she stirred faintly, clutching the comforter in her hands and drawing her legs up so that her knees touched her chin. A few strands of hair had fallen into her eyes, and I gently smoothened them back. Her heart-shaped face looked translucent in the pale moonlight, her forehead furrowed again. But as soon as I retreated and took my place on the rocking chair again, her frown faded.

She didn't know all of my past, I thought uneasily. She knew that we tried to avoid human blood… but she didn't know that I had drunk human blood before. What would she think of me if I told her? Would it repulse her beyond belief? Yet I couldn't not tell her – it felt despicable, much worse than what could come from me telling her. She would understand, wouldn't she? She was my Bella, she always understood.

Once again, my thoughts drifted back to our afternoon in the meadow. Warmth was the main feature of the memory – the sun on my skin, Bella's warm finger tracing patterns on my arm, the hot scent of her blood when she leaned close… I frowned at that, fighting the thirst that automatically rose in me. I heard Bella breathing and the sound soothed me immensely. For a while I merely sat there, listening to her even breathing and wishing I knew what she was dreaming of.

I closed my eyes in an attempt to sleep. Ninety years after my transformation, it still saddened me beyond belief that our kind could not sleep. The other changes had become familiar through habit, and the heightened senses and increased strength and speed helped to balance the atrocity of becoming a monster. But every once in a while, I would settle down on my couch at night, expecting to just doze off, and finding myself as widely awake as ever. It was something I envied humans for – the ability to slip into slumber, to be able to dream and to be able to escape the world for a few hours. It was almost the worst part of becoming a vampire, the inability to sleep.

A breeze swept in through the open window and stirred Bella's hair, lying on the pillow. Her scent flooded the room, and I immediately stiffened, cutting off my breathing. I should have remembered to close the window! Cursing silently, I crossed the room and pulled the window down ferociously, slamming it down with more force than intended. The house echoed with the sound, and I froze as I heard Charlie's thoughts splutter to life. What was that? Could be a storm… but there was nothing about it on TV… no rain, either. Maybe it's the folks next door, they're always doing strange things late at night… 2 in the morning, though? I'll have to talk to them tomorrow. His thoughts slowly faded as he fell asleep again. I inhaled deeply; glad that Bella's scent had more or less weakened. Still, I would have to be prepared for that. I couldn't risk losing control or forgetting something so important ever again. Once again, I returned to the rocking chair. This time, I leaned back and let it rock me slowly.

The moonlight still filtered through the window, touching her hair with silver. She looked ethereal, like an airy angel from another world. I gazed at her wistfully, watching her squirm slightly under the covers and slide her head to the other end of the pillow. My thoughts meandered away, though a part of my mind was still watching her. Why was it, I wondered, that I couldn't hear her thoughts, but Alice could apparently see her future? At the thought of Alice, I froze up, remembering her vision a few months ago. It will never come true, I swore silently to myself. I will never let Bella become one of us. I will never let her damn her soul and give up her chance at human life, at human death. Of course, she didn't even know about Alice's vision, so that would make everything a bit easier. And she would be happy, surely, if I stayed with her all of her life? Even if it wasn't forever?

For so long, I had wondered about Carlisle and Esme's love, as well as Emmett and Rosalie's and Jasper and Alice's. How could they feel so powerfully about a single person? But I understood now, how they allowed their love of each other to consume them fully. I felt full of emotions, and suddenly felt an urgent need to cry and let it all out. But of course, that was another disadvantage of being one of the eternally damned. No tears.

I clenched the arms of the rocking chair, only loosening my hold when I heard a small splintering sound. I sighed. Breaking Bella's rocking chair would not be the best way to endear myself to her father… speaking of which, I still had to be formally introduced. I knew that Charlie thought the world of Carlisle and defended him against the superstitions of La Push, but I wasn't entirely sure what he thought of the rest of our family. And what he would think of me as Bella's boyfriend.

Bella shifted again, and I turned my full attention back on her. She was obviously dreaming something pleasant, as a contented sound came from her and her lips curved into a smile. I studied her face eagerly, completely entranced as the smile cleared all the worry from her face. I wondered why she always looked so serious when sleeping.

Somehow, hours had already past, and the sky outside was paling. I knew Bella had to wake up soon, although I wasn't sure how late she would sleep in, considering it was a Sunday. Her dark hair was tangled and spread across the pillow, making her look like some sort of a demented storm goddess. Even when her hair looked like a haystack and her nose was scrunched up like she smelled some putrid substance, she looked absolutely adorable. I was sure that if my heart had not stopped beating almost nine decades ago, it would have sped up immensely at the sight of her, bathed in the rays of sunrise. Her pulse quickened slightly as she opened her eyes, looking straight at me even while the haze of sleep still veiled her gaze.

"Edward… I love you," she murmured again before closing her eyes and falling asleep once more. I closed my own eyes, feeling my entire being overflow with love for the delicate girl nestled between white covers. I would protect her forever.

_I feel like a hero, and you are my heroine…_

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_**AN: Was it okay? Once again, I had trouble with Edward's point of view, but I couldn't do this in Bella's… plus, I might have just had even more trouble with HER point of view! I hope you liked it, even though this too is meandering. Aww for Edward x Bella love. :)**


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